If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.