If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
what day is it?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Always the camel, never the toe.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.