michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
You Might Also Like
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.