If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?