@WarrenHolstein: If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she'd show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
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@pleatedjeans: [interviewing cave bat] me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down? Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
@GrantTanaka: Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."
@Smooheed: Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying 'don't worry baby, I'll catch you if you fall' makes him run for a really really long time