If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
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I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride