If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
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I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas