If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
You Might Also Like
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
it must be school picture day
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon