If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
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Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
sigh
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that