If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park