If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
You Might Also Like
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”