@flyafuckingkite: If money can't buy happiness, explain ice cream. You can't.
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@brendohare: Hello. I'm the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.
@JamieDMJ: Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
@TurboJellyBean: Her:"my blinkers don't work I think I'm out of blinker fluid" Me:"your car doesn't have blinker fluid." Her:"I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION"
@PajamaBen_: Billy where is your homework? "im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it"