@flyafuckingkite: If money can't buy happiness, explain ice cream. You can't.
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@dumbbeezie: If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
@RidiculousSheri: I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments...wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
@HollyMemphis: Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head, "Guess who got laid last night?"
@genepompa: Can't believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up