“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
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When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.