If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…