If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My background check bounced.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?