‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
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Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
🤭😂
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.