If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora