If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Cats are still liquid.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam