If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
You Might Also Like
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control