In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
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water it, i dare you
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
shampoo implies shampee
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*