I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
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[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
catch me on valentine’s day like
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
If I ignore life will it go away?
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose