If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath