@LurkAtHomeMom: If my 6 year old tells me someone was "mean to him" I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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@Love_bug1016: If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
@OneFunnyMummy: My 3 moods: 1. I'm too tired for this shit 2. I'm too old for this shit 3. I'm too sober for this shit
@Hella_Rad: sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don't think they're ugly or something
@LegoGodzilla: [first date] GIRL: When you said "fitness freak" in your profile, this isn't what I expected HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo