@LurkAtHomeMom: If my 6 year old tells me someone was "mean to him" I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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@AndyAsAdjective: Wear green for St Patty's Day! You don't wanna get punched! -You mean pinched [flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier] It's pinched?
@davetureq: Ever since they started calling pole dancers "artists," I've been writing on my resume that my talents include "moving in artistic circles."
@SteveDutzy: *logs on Facebook IT'S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! *logs off WAIT COME BACK! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX'S ENGAGEMENT!
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room? Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs. 6: Yeah. By himself.