If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
He died doing what he loved: being alive
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
“We will wed,” I threatened