If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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it’s finally my moment to shine
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
#oldknees
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room