If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.