@jdforshort: If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
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@Cheeseboy22: When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
@Shock_Monster: It's been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: "Just be myself."
@joejwest: [vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing