If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Brilliant!
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)