Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Owl Sanctuary
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss