@NikiWithIssues: If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.
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@SonOfCha: Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
@shariv67: "I'd make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem." "Um, population control?" "Kill all the storks. BOOM!"
@mjkspeaks: [interview] Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? Me: "OMG I'M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!"
@GABBYdaAngSaya: [I see a cute girl reading a novel] "Hi there. I couldn't help but notice-" *points at book* "That you support the murder of trees."