A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE