If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.