If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves