@QwertyJones3: If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [ATM, with a line of people behind me] Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?
@jasonroeder: When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
@Sorrowscopes: Libra: You wake up fastened to a wooden stake. People in goat masks are dancing around a bonfire. We'll be honest. Things don’t look good.