If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
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[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won鈥檛 be easy.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I鈥檒l delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he鈥檒l look like a wizard
6YO: No, he鈥檒l definitely look like a panda
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
It takes an entire village鈥檚 whiskey to raise a child