If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Saturday
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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