If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
A choir of Spring onions
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille