@LivibelsDada: If my dad were alive today he would say, "Mark stop telling people I'm dead"
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@MomOnFire: Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to "air quote," I need to speak with you privately.
@murrman5: can you start monday at 8? "yes, thank you for the opportunity" [calls new boss at his home on sunday night] hello? "am or pm?"
@BakedElle: I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend. You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.