If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
This classic never gets old . . .
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.