I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
lol
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese