So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.