[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
greetings!
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already