If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
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An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My dating profile:
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
🙂🐾
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again