If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My plans: 2020:
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*