If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting