If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
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Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up