If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
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[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
peeping toms
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.