If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker