Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t