mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
When ur friends with white people
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.