If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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I feel it
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Festive toon…
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes