If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
You Might Also Like
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I’ll be mad as hell!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
A friend helps you before you need it
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse