If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.