If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
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Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
a lot to unpack here
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
guys i’ve cracked the code
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers