If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
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me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
bias laundering edition
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Put this video in the Louvre
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
☠️☠️☠️