If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
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Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.