If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
You Might Also Like
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
That’s it.I’m out.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.